


Tonight (i need you)

by Fuckingstalememe



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, slight AU, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-14 03:59:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15380169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuckingstalememe/pseuds/Fuckingstalememe
Summary: “It’s okay cause we’re friends and always will be friends, unless, you make me really mad. So kinda uh tiptoe around that, if you could.”“Phew, okay.”





	Tonight (i need you)

**Author's Note:**

> a year ago today i finished my first fic on ao3. it's really bad so don't go read it but in rereading this i was reminded of that story and the hard time i seem to have every july. so in honor of all these things that I've done here id another fic. i hope you like it. i also spent way too long formatting this so it better look good.

“It’s okay cause we’re friends and always will be friends, unless, you make me really mad. So kinda uh tiptoe around that, if you could.”   “Phew, okay.”

Tyler hadn’t spoken to Josh since it had happened.

Four days and not even a word.

It was the longest they had ever gone without speaking.

Josh knew everyone was mad at him.

It had all started with a group chat.

The one that they started at the beginning of tour.

Josh and Tyler were in it obviously, along with Jordan and Jenna and Mark and Michael.

All of their closest band related friends.

Everything was going great until Josh fucked it up.

It was a hotel night and everyone was in their respective hotel rooms.

One of the nice things about making it big is that they could get more hotel rooms So they didn’t have to all pile into one room.

or even worse the back of the van.

The drawback was that Josh got really depressed if he was alone for a long time.

So by 10 pm, he was already deep in a hole of anxiety, depression and overall bad wellbeing.

First of josh’s reasons it all went to hell: Josh going on for way too long about how thirsty he was.

He hadn’t seen anyone since the first leg of tour and that ended badly for everyone involved.

Josh was annoying everyone with saying how much he needed to get laid.

Honestly, if the clique could read the groupchat they would lose their shit.

Second of Josh’s reasons it all went to hell: Tyler had been on edge with him for the entire third leg of the tour.

Josh could tell that something was off.

But this didn’t stop him from complaining basically non stop to the chat.

Then, oh my god, THEN this motherfucker (Josh) blacks out.

He hadn't had anything to drink, he took his anxiety meds, but he had no IDEA what the FUCK was going on.

All he knew is when he realized what he had done he had fucked up his entire life He could barely remember what he typed.

and he was too scared to look back at the texts and read what they said.

He remembered calling Tyler’s mom terrible things (that she fucking isn’t)

He remembered crying to himself.

He remembered everyone in the chat getting mad at him.

He remembered saying sorry.

Over and over again.

sorry.

But that was it.

Nothing else would come back to him.

So he stopped talking.

He stopped doing anything.

He said he was sorry and then he cut himself out.

Josh spent the days traveling to the next city curled up in his bunk.

He only left when Jordan made him get food and shower.

He didn’t talk at all.

Luckily, they had 3 whole days of travel and then a day off before they performed next.

Josh’s phone buzzed for the first time in a day.

All his friends and the crew had given up on trying to reach him.

Who was trying again, now?

Josh couldn’t breathe.

Tyler texted him.

“I’m not ready to forgive you.

I don’t want to talk to you until the concert.”

and Josh was closer to shooting himself then he had ever been.

He didn’t know what to do.

Josh was losing friends at an alarming rate.

Brendon had stopped talking to him.

and Friends from both LA and Ohio had started to talk to him less and less, some cutting him out entirely.

It was Crushing him.

And now he had added to it.

It was nearly impossible for him to not talk to Tyler.

Not to send him memes.

Not to talk to him at all.

All he could see was the angry words on his screen from his friends and the tears falling out of his eyes and He knew.

Josh had fucked up and there was nothing he could do about it.

Josh had never fucked up worse in his entire life.

Josh wanted to fucking kill himself.

Josh had never thought about killing himself very seriously before.

He knew in the past that it wasn’t rational.

There were other solutions in the past.

There was always at least one reason to keep going.

In the past Tyler as always there to stop him.

Tyler was always the one, whether he knew it or not, to keep Josh alive in the end.

He was Josh’s closest friend.

He was the band.

Tyler could go on without Josh but he kept Josh.

Because he loved having him there, in the past Tyler was always the one to tell Josh that he had to keep going.

He told him That he was needed.

The clique needed him.

The crew needed him.

Tyler needed him.

But if Josh didn't have Tyler now.

he and nothing.

Tyler would take all their friends with him.

Tyler would take the band with him.

And all the fans.

No one would go to see just a drummer.

Tyler was the more liked one.

Tyler was the one that everyone went to see.

Tyler was the one everyone cared about.

Tyler played the most. Tyler sang.

Tyler wrote the music.

Tyler wrote the lyrics.

Tyler was the only one the people wanted

And they had every right to.

Josh knew he was in the wrong.

He knew it was his fault.

Josh knew that he was the one that would lead to the end of the band.

And there he was.

Back in another hotel.

Alone.

Just like that night 4 days ago.

Honestly killing himself had never seemed like a better option.

Josh thought about his options

He could drown himself in the large bathtub in his hotel room.

       That would be really hard.

He could jump off the balcony of his amazing hotel room.

        That would be too public.

He could take all his remaining anxiety meds.

       But they might not do anything.

He could make a noose out of bedsheets.

       But where would he hang it?

He could slit his wrists.

       But that would hurt too much

He could go down to the garage and try and get CO2 poison from a bus.

      But how could he even do that?

He could go out and buy a gun and shot himself before anyone knew he was gone?

     That’s it.

That's what he decided on.

He was tired of on relying on Tyler.

He knew he couldn't keep leaning on Tyler to keep him alive.

Josh needed to decide for himself.

So he got up and put on his shoes.

He grabbed his wallet and the key card for his room and pulled on his jacket.

And out he went.

For the first time in a long time (maybe ever) Josh as thankful for the lax gun laws in the US.

 

 

 

 

At 11 pm in a city he had never been to before, Joshua Dun could buy a gun from a pawn shop and be back at the hotel by midnight.

Which he did.

Back in the safety of his hotel room he thought.

he needed to think this through.

He had to make a plan.

He needed to tell his parents he loved them.

His siblings too.

He needed to have a tweet ready for the clique.

And he needed to write to Tyler.

He would do that last.

Josh went to the bathroom.

That would be the best place for this.

Easiest cleanup.

He sat down in the bathtub.

First, he decided to draft a tweet.

“I’m so, so sorry guys. I know that I'm coward for doing this and that this isn’t what you want to hear today. But I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to miss you all so much. I love you all so much. stay street.”

okay, leave that in his drafts.

Now to tell his family.

“I love you guys. I love you all so much and it isn’t your fault okay. Just know this isn’t your fault. Love, Josh.”

send.

Okay, time for the hardest one.

He sat and thought about it.

What would he even say to him?

Tyler would totally think this was his fault.

It not his fault.

This is Josh's fault.

Josh is the one who is a terrible friend.

Josh is the one who fucked all this up.

Josh is the one who deserves to get punished.

Josh deserves this.

Josh deserves whatever is coming to him.

Josh needs to suffer.

Josh needs to suffer.

He needs to suffer.

“Tyler. I don’t know if I can even message you but I couldn’t not say anything before I go. I love you and you were my best friend for so long. I'm sorry you have to look at my name on you for the rest of time. I hate the idea of you having to look down at your leg and see the name of such a shitty person. I’m sorry you had to deal with me for so long and I'm sorry that I was such an awful awful person. Just know that I loved you and you were always my best friend. Goodbye, Ty. Stay street always and Stay Alive. Do it for them. Love, Josh.”

send.

Josh threw his head against the wall.

“Guess this it.”

he set his phone down.

He picked up the gun.

Used.

From the pawn shop down the street.

Josh didn't know if it was ever used before to kill someone.

Maybe that’s why it was in the pawn shop.

Already used to put a bullet in someone’s body.

Maybe this is the first time it will ever be used for its intended purpose.

He pressed the cold metal to his cheek.

Took a deep breath.

He stuck it in his mouth.

He took a deep breath sucking up gunpowder, germs, and metal.

He moved his finger towards the trigger.

The bathroom door burst open with the timing of a terribly written story.

“WHAT THE ACTUAL GOD DAMN FUCK!”

“T... ty... Hi Tyler”

And the gun was out of his mouth.

He couldn’t move.

He hand went numb.

The gun fell from his grip.

It clacked its way onto the bottom of the tub.

He reached down and turned the safety on.

Tyler was frozen in the doorway.

His look of rage had changed to a look of fear.

Tears brimmed his eye.

“Josh”

the breath floated across the room to Josh, fizzling out right before his eyes.

He just couldn’t take it anymore.

He hung his head and let the sobs take over.

He couldn’t handle the look on Tyler’s face.

The primal fear that was on his face.

Tyler looked like he was about to see the one he loved most get murdered.

Because he was.

“Josh please fucking tell me I am imagining things. Please tell me you didn’t just have a goddamn GUN IN YOUR MOUTH!”

Tyler screamed.

He let out the most pained sound Josh had ever heard.

Tears were running down his face.

“Joshua, please tell me you were not about to shoot yourself through the fucking head.”

Josh’s body shook violently.

“JOSHUA WILLIAM DUN, ANSWER ME! Were you about to kill yourself?”

Tyler demanded.

He sounded angry again.

He sounded the most pissed off Josh had ever seen anyone get.

“yes,”

Josh mumbled under his breath.

“WHAT?”

Tyler shook on his feet.

He looked like he could topple over at any moment.

Like a half sawed tree.

“YES OKAY, I WAS. I WAS FINALLY ABOUT TO TAKE CARE OF SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE DONE A LONG TIME AGO.”

Josh broke.

He screamed and cried for what felt like an hour

It was probably less than a minute.

All of a sudden There was a man in his lap.

He picked up the gun.

He inspected it.

Tyler was laying so the faucet dug into his back.

His knees lined up with Josh’s shoulders.

It wasn’t a large tub.

The gun felt off in his hands.

It felt like it didn't belong there.

He looked at.

Tear stains streaked down his face.

“So who goes first.”

That caught Josh completely off guard.

“What”

His voice sounded raspy.

It sounded like when Tyler spends a week locked in his music room.

It sounded like when he wakes up after a night full of nightmares, wrists craving blood.

“Which one of us is going first?”

Tyler asked him again.

He said it in such an everyday tone like he was asking where they should eat for dinner that night.

Where did this Tyler come from?

This was not the terrified and Destroyed Tyler that was here a minute ago.

“No, Tyler you can’t.”

Josh shook his head and took the gun out of Tyler's hands.

He set it on the floral bath mat outside of the tub.

“Get out of here, Tyler.”

He shoved Tyler off his legs.

“Forget you ever saw anything tonight. Go to bed, Tyler. Sleep well. When you wake up tomorrow you will send the tweet I drafted and call your back up drummer.”

Josh stood up and reached a hand down to Tyler.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Tyler stood up with him, ignoring the hand he was offered.

“I don't have a backup drummer!”

Josh looked startled.

“what do you mean you don’t have a backup? Isn’t that the reason you have been on edge this whole tour? You were just waiting to kick me out?”

Tyler’s face dropped.

Is this what Josh really thought?

He grabbed Josh’s face

“I would never, ever seriously kick you out of this band. EVER. I go where you go. if you die I die. Now, are you going first or am I because if you are going first I really have to prepare myself.”

Tyler looked serious.

Deadly serious.

“Tyler, I need to do this. You deserve better. You have people waiting for you. You have friends and fans and a band that depends on you.”

Josh shook his head and guided Tyler out of the bathtub before sitting down again.

“Are you saying that you don’t have those things? Josh, I don’t have a band if you aren't there! YOU ARE THE BAND! And if you die I die. How many times do I have to say it? I am your best friend ever in the whole world and that includes heaven now tell me who the fuck is going first.”

Josh couldn't handle it.

He dropped the gun again.

Another clang on the bathtub floor.

He put his head in his hands.

He sobbed.

He sobbed and sobbed for what felt like hours.

He let Tyler pull him up and walk him to his bed.

He let Tyler pull off his jeans and wrap him under the blankets.

He let Tyler put on the tv to drown out the silence in the room.

He let Tyler pull him onto his chest.

He let tyler sob with him.

He let it all happen.

He fell asleep.

 

 

He awoke to Tyler texting on his phone.

There were still tears in his eyes.

There would be for the following days as well

He laid his head back on the much too plush pillow behind him.

“Jenna is fucking pissed.”

Josh rolled his body back over to Tyler’s.

“Well, I guess she has a right to I mean I assume you're canceling the rest of the tour and she is our tour manager.”

Josh picked at a loose thread on Tyler's shirt sleeve.

“Hell yes, I'm canceling the rest of tour.“

Josh sighed and pushed his face into Tyler’s armpit.

He stayed that way until there was a knock at the door.

Tyler gently pushed Josh off of him.

He pressed the softest kiss to his forehead.

“Stay right here.”

Josh stayed, covers pulled up over his head.

He heard the voices of people in the bathroom.

“I have no clue where he got it.”

“No, I'm not leaving this room."

“When I say I am not leaving this room I mean it!”

“The love of my life just tried to put a bullet in his fucking head right in front of me, I don’t give a shit what is happening outside of this room.”

Soon the door to the hotel room was closed.

They were alone again.

Tyler’s chest was under josh’s head again.

“All the money is being returned to the fans.”

Hands stroked his scalp.

“We have lost a fuck ton of money.”

He pushed his fingers into tyler’s hair in return.

“I haven’t told them why yet. I just said that we canceled the rest of the tour and will tell them the rest later.”

Tyler twisted bleach burnt curls around and around.

“Everyone is worried that you haven't said anything about it.”

Josh slid his hands behind tyler’s neck.

“What did the label say"

His chin dug into Tyler's chest as he spoke.

“Fuck the label”

Tyler had never cursed as much as he had in those 12 hours.

“What did they say”

Josh was getting worried.

What if they lost their contract?

What if all they had worked for was lost?

It would all be his fault!

They can’t be okay with what happened.

“They said that our next album better be fucking spectacular.”

Josh let out a huge sigh of relief.

“They also said that they hope you stay alive.”

He huffed and shoved his face back into Tyler’s armpit.

He was pulled into a crushing hug.

“Joshua, I love you so much. I love you more than I can ever describe. I need you. Always.”

Josh hugged back twice as hard.

Tears spilled out of his eyes, soaking into tyler’s shirt.

Hot breath bounced on and off of his face.

“I love you too.”

A kiss was pressed to the top of his head.

Love filled Josh’s heart.

It would all be okay.

Everything would be okay.

They would be okay.

Tyler sang.

And Josh began to fall back asleep.

“Oh, Ms. Believer, my pretty weeper

Your twisted thoughts are like snow on the rooftops

Please, take my hand, we're in foreign land

As we travel through snow, together we go

Together we go”

**Author's Note:**

> I have a love-hate relationship with this story. i wrote it months ago. it took me forever to decide to post it. please be nice.


End file.
